The best dad jokes

1)  In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

2) I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X

3) When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

4) What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.

5) What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

6) Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.

7) My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.

8)  A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

9)  What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

10) My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.